Cuddle Party in Russia!

I remember when I first heard about a club in Moscow where you could go and hug strangers I imagined a strange bunch of hippy-like people spooning whisper-quiet in a room on an old parquet floor with drab cream walls and a couple of mandala sheets hung up. I imagined that as an outsider it would be an incredibly weird and perhaps uncomfortable experience.

I was also baffled by the fact that such a group exists in Russia, given its generally conservative nature. Maria Zobnina, a bodily gestalt therapist, introduced Cuddle Party into the country and there are now 13 cities where the club operates. It turns out that, probably to no one’s surprise, the practice originated in the US. The origin is debated between an ‘official’ Cuddle Party started by Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski in NYC or a bunch of New Wave hippies California in the 80s. Karl Pilkington visited one whilst travelling along Route 66 in An Idiot Abroad (S2 E6). Do you reckon that I had a similarly disastrously uncomfortable experience? Place your bets!

I was welcomed into the cosy loft space by Nika, the host, and some of the regulars who were helping set up. They were preparing a spread of food for the evening. Once everyone had arrived, Nika gathered everyone into a circle and explained for first-timers how it works.

There are a few ground rules and expectations to address for those who aren’t familiar. Namely, that contact must be consensual, confirmed verbally and that this is not a place of sexual expression but of tactility, where it’s possible to explore and enjoy physical touch. So, if you were wondering, no sex, no kissing or anything like that. Everyone is advised to take things at their own pace and to only join in and agree with interaction that they are comfortable with. Nika mentioned that during any part of the evening, if anyone felt uncomfortable, she would be there to support and talk to.

Everyone introduced themselves and expressed how they were feeling at the time, be it calm, anxious or excited to come back. After introductions, to slow down from the fast-paced city, participants were encouraged to find a space to lay down and take a few minutes to experience basic guided meditation and bodily awareness.

Next, was a ‘no’ exercise. Half of the group stood in a circle facing outwards whilst the other half stood in an outer circle facing inwards, rotating round in turns. The outer circle made a proposition like ‘Can I shake your hand’ ‘Can I give you a high-five’ or ‘Would you like to Cuddle?’. The other person had to reply with a ‘no’. The purpose of this game was to get people comfortable with both giving and receiving a negative response and not taking it personally. The next exercise was the same but practicing with whatever answer and interaction you felt comfortable with. There were several more warm-ups which from beginning to end gradually melted away the apparent awkwardness that newcomers were feeling at the beginning. After that, people were free to spend the time as they pleased, interacting through touch, cuddling, stroking, massages, dancing, spending time alone or quietly talking.

My aim is to portray things as they are, without a spin or fantasy or marketing objective. I saw that many, or even, most people settled into the evening in groups, pairs and enjoyed the evening. Some people spent time alone. Some were quiet and looked spaced out. One or two looked melancholy. I cannot know, as I didn’t ask. Nika had mentioned that some people just observe or interact minimally the first few times, and others feel ready to dive right in. It varies from time to time too.

As for me, I was partially involved through parts of the evening to get a taste of what it was like and to make a comfortable connection with people there. I participated in the warm up and hugged a couple of people but I found that I wasn’t ready to lay down spooning and stroking strangers right away. But that’s okay. I spent my time filming, observing and chatting to some lovely and open people. At some point, a woman asked if I would give her a shoulder rub. I was unsure but thought ‘Ah why not? I’m good at it anyhow’. I completed my task dutifully, awkwardly and tense, whilst trying to retain a calm veil. Then I was asked if I would like the same and I paused then acquiesced. It turns out it is much harder to feign comfort and calamity whilst receiving a massage from a stranger than giving one. And that is how I learnt the lesson the host had previously mentioned: be honest about what you want and it’s okay to say ‘no’. I’m British. It’s second nature for us to endure mild discomfort to accommodate someone. Jokes aside, I would later think about the application of that lesson in wider life: Listen to yourself.

I love these projects because they allow me to put aside preconceptions and observe what reveals itself. You never know what you’re gonna get. Often experiences show that we have such a narrow imagination as to what things are actually like. The reality was that it was unfamiliar and strange to me but I spent the time with some really wonderful people. I often looked back at this evening for a couple of months, remembering being welcomed uniquely in a city which often has such a cold, stony façade. I thought that even if it wasn’t for me, I met some people I would like to go back to and make friends with. And so that’s how it stayed in my memory: a new experience, a lesson and a few people watching the starry skyline, thinking ‘this is living’.

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